worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
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You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
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Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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