Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
