Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
