Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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