i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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