I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
