life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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