But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
