Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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