I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
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Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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