The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
