yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
