Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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