when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
