I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
