I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
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We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
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Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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