Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
