I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I touched a dick in church today
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
