I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You left your phone here
Wait...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
