I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize