His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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