The maid of honor just puked.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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