If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
