my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
