Just fell off a train. Bad.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
