Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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