Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
