I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
