...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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