I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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