I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just invented taco cereal.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
