If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
