Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
