Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.