one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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