So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
