I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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