Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
