I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
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Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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