I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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