too bad you live with your parents still
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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