I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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