You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
