Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
