a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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