he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
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I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
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Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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