Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
