You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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