3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
