Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
