I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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