I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
