why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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