Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
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You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
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there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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